Choices
by McDreamyGirl
Summary: This is a fic I wrote in the beginning of Season 2 Meredith's thoughts on Derek choosing Addison over her.


_**Choices**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor do I want to. I just want to express my creative side and write about what I would love to see happen on the show.**_

_**This is from Meredith's point of view….**_

_**Happy reading!**_

_**McDreamyGirl**_

He chose her. He looked me in the eye – wavered hesitantly for only a second – and told me he had chosen her. Well not with those exact words, those were: "She's my wife." Okay…so she's his wife? So, I was what, the lover? The one that he had fun with, consoled his broken heart with for a few months and then the adulterer comes to town and he without even hesitating (well okay, maybe for a second or two) decides to take her back. Doesn't that make him as much of an adulterer as she? Did he just sleep with me to cheat on his wife, make himself feel better about it and then go back to her?

I knew it was a bad idea to go out with him. I knew it was a bad idea to even consider the possibility of letting him in my heart but before I knew it, I was there…in love with Dr. McDreamy and not knowing what to do.

I still remember when I saw her walk in the hospital doors and Derek turn to me to say: "Meredith I'm sorry." Like if he never expected her to come to Seattle. Hell…he probably didn't. I get, I get that he was hurt, that he needed to seek comfort in another woman but did I have to be the one to fall in love and be left with a broken heart that needed to be mended because it broke into a million pieces?

Surely he has to know that this is tearing me apart and he is not helping matters when every turn that I make, there he is – looking at me, pleading with those beautiful eyes of his to forgive him. Forgive him? For what! For breaking my heart, for choosing her, for leaving me to fend for myself with a pain that consumes every pore of my body and that threatens to make me scream in front of anyone?

He has made me a scorned woman. He has made me regret every single day of my life spent with him. Why did he allow me to dream? Why did he allow me to think that maybe I would not be so lonely now? With my mother in the clinic and her forgetting even who I am, I knew I had a rock in him – a stable boyfriend who could fast become a partner. I wanted him to love me back!

Actually, I needed him to love me back almost as much as I needed air to breathe. I fought him so hard, wanted to stay away from him because I knew it would be wrong. I knew that potentially the repercussions could ruin my career but like a true woman to form, I let my heart get the best of me and ran with him to a fantasy world, where his wife didn't exist and where he was in love with me. Truly I was happy there…so happy until I had to crash back into reality and come to terms with the fact that his wife graciously let me borrow him while she was out of commission, well sort of.

So now what? What do I do when I have to see the one person that I love most in the world day in and day out? What do I do when I see them in the hospital having lunch, talking, kissing? What do I do with the love that I have for someone that is not mine to have? What do I do with these tears that fall every five seconds and seem to not want to stop? Can anyone tell me please how to stop loving him -- because I don't know the answer to that.

I just want to pick up the phone, call him and tell him that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. I want to pick up that phone and tell him that even though he has a history with his wife, it's only that: history. That even though he feels that loyalty is what should bind them together; loyalty is one of the things that she did not know anything of when she slept with his best friend. Am I being unfair to her? Who cares! I am the one that now needs to know how to live without him. She has him – again. She was the one that was supposed to go back home, with signed divorced papers yet, story of my life, I am the one that gets screwed. I am the one that will end up going to the bar, alone, to meet with friends because I have no one to cuddle to at night anymore.

It's not about him losing me and what a great catch I am, it's about me losing him and losing part of myself. I can't remember the last time that I felt anything more strongly than my love for him. I don't even know when the love will stop.

Sadly if he were to come up to me now and ask me to be with him one last time, I would. Maybe if he were to ask me to please understand the choice he made and why he did it and that this is what he needs to do to prove to himself and to her that I am the one, then I would be patient, I would – it's really pathetic really where my mind wanders to. Sadly enough I would probably sit by the phone night after night waiting for his phone call but that's not going to happen because he has made his choice and his choice is not me – it's her, his wife, the one with the title. The one he claims he has spent countless Thanksgiving's, Christmases and other family holidays with. The one that he owes another chance to – not me, no…the chance goes to her because of course she met him first, married him and now has rights and privileges that lovers (though I didn't know I was) have no right to.

I will still be here…trying to recuperate from yet another disappointing turn in what is Meredith's life. To wait for what – no one know the answer to that.


End file.
